Our culture has countless well-known figures whose status escapes me, defies any formula for me to understand how they got to do what they do and why anyone allows them to continue. I have a suggestion or two about professional relocation programs for some of them, call it a celebrity protection program--to save us from them. I refer here not to the easy gimmies, such as Zaza Gabor or Paris Hilton, cheap shots who cover half a century of "celebrity", people void of creditable contributions who would cause us to care for a single moment where they were or what they were doing.
Assume with me the Wicken golden rule of "first do no harm" while considering the following.
Who was not proud when Nancy Peloci became the first woman Speaker of the House of Representatives? Even cretin President #43 was generous--bordering on eloquent--when he acknowledged her success in the chambers of the House. But that jump start was the single bright flash in her new stature. She has mismanaged legislation, insulted enemies who might have been allies, and seems ignorant of a trusted rule of public service--a well-done job is more important than gloating before the TV cameras. Get her out of the House and set her up as the manager of a nail salon in Marin County, California.
Step up to the Senate and meet Harry Reid, who may be a powerful force behind the closed doors of smoked-filled rooms where deals are hammered out and lasting alliances are made, but that's a claim hard to make from what can be seen of him. Should competence seek its proper level, Reid would be the principal of a junior high school that educates the pale-skinned sons and daughters of gated communities.
While we're in the Senate, lets take a quick glance at Joe Liberman. Did being cheated out of the vice presidency by the clumsy workings of democracy in Florida and the Supreme Court rot his brain to the point he succumbed to the Stockholm Syndrome and became the sycophantic sidekick to the next presidential candidate of the party that screwed him over? During the last presidential campaign be acted as though he had a message pined to his lapel that read: "Return to John McCain" if found aimlessly wandering around in the blighted wilderness of American politics. With his perpetual smile and banal comments, he could be the poster boy for coal mine safety in America.
And who are these previously obscure pinched-faced Republicans such as Eric Cantor who have stepped up to make a grab at party leadership? I have not seen so many razer-cut hair styles in a quarter century. Do they have an aged barber and shoe shine man held captive in the basement of Congress where they are forced to survive on Republican table scraps and support their families on a fiscally conservative tipping philosophy? Cantor has the look and style of a first-year graduate student, one of those over-achieving undergraduates who does not understand he is playing a new game in a bigger league--he talks too much, says little of substance, and assumes an air of importance all out of proportion to his apparent abilities. In a fair and just world, the best he could hope for would be a position as a suit salesman at a tony Georgetown men's store.
And how about some of those TV news personalities?
Rich Sanchez has a fixed smile/smirk of self-satisfaction as he announces every news item with equal high drama, be it the hit and run of a beloved neighborhood dog or the test firing of a nuclear rocket by Iran. It's all the same to him as he switches to the Tweeter Board, as if anyone cares. His indiscriminate giddiness suggests he would benefit from a stay in Dr. Drew's Pasadena rehab clinic, where he might learn to play the piano, and after getting on better meds, he could slide right into a job as a lounge singer on a cruise ship.
When Rick leaves the clinic, we must fill the vacancy with Ann Coulter, the meanest, most crazed woman in America who wears a short, black cocktail dress for every occasion, defamed the 9/11 widows as greedy, suburban scum, and would guaranty Dr. Drew lifetime work because nothing could ever restore her humanity. She would turn Dr. Drew's clinic into the Hotel California, where she can check in, but never leave.
Joe Scarboro, is he the news man, or what? "Morning Joe" replaced "Imus in the Morning" as MSNBC's 3-hour morning show after Don Imus proved what a lot of us who listened to him on the radio in the 1970s already knew--without drugs and alcohol, he was a doomed man. But I have to confess that Imus' thoughtless, crude and often cruel comments, were easier to stomach than beedy-eyed Joe Scarboros' boring stupidity. Yes, yes, I know. Scarboro was elected to Congress!! Sent to Congress from a part of the country where you can still find a KKK Klavern to hang with. He is ill mannered, smug beyond reason, flawed in his history, insulting to his co-host (who is a fool to take his crap), and makes stupid comments such as, "Barack Obama is just like the guys I went to law school with." Ya, right, Joe, the past editor of the Harvard Law Review is just like the guys you drank your way through the University of Alabama Law School with. Joe's defiant tone and pompous style makes him a perfect candidate to train those low-lifes who work the phones for debt collection agencies.
Lou Dobbs is a guy with a world view that commands respect, a view that stops at the borders of the United States where he sees illegal immigrants pouring across to pollute our beloved mixed-breed nation. How can a guy like that make a living singing the same song every night, night after night--"plug up the borders; don't we deserve a government that works?" No we don't, Lou, or we would have a government that works, and I can't understand how you can pose that question after shilling for #43 for 8 years. In Lou's future, I see him as a construction foreman in the Southwest, a high pressure job to which he tries to faithfully apply himself, without any Mexican or Mexican-American workers. Lou might not get the irony of that concept, but anyone in the construction industry is nodding their head and smiling--the people you want sent away, Lou, are the ones who get it done for America.
I promised not to stoop for the cheap shot, but how can I ignore Rush Limbaugh? He makes the village idiot sound like a Nobel Laureate. After we coach Rush through a 48-step rehab program (no 12-step program could touch his bad habits) we will set him up with a gig hustling for Jenny Craig on TV. But then again, perhaps we should leave Rush on the radio where he can continue to serve up dirt sandwiches for the Republican Party every day.
Dr. Huesos is an unrepetant New Lefist who rebuilds old Harleys.
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